What are you afraid of
I dunno
What do you want
No idea
Does that bother you?
That I don’t know what I want?
Yes
Not really
Hm
I’m just laying here, you know, just laying here on the couch, doing not much of anything
You seem down
But I’m okay
Did you drink last night?
No but I wanted to
What did you want to drink
There was bourbon
You like bourbon
To a fault, yes
But you managed to say no
Wasn’t easy
But you did it
Haha yelled at a couple people but yeah I did it
Did your son have a good time?
Oh he had a blast
Then you did a good deed
On the way home, he said he was happy
How did that make you feel
Didn’t make me feel anything
You don’t like making him happy
I dunno
Did you dream of dying again?
Haha you bet!
How did you die?
The car flipped over
Oh you have that one a lot
Yeah but the ladder one is worse anything but the ladder one
Were you alone in the car
Someone was in the backseat
Do you know who it was
Nope
And the car just flipped?
I did it on purpose
You flipped the car on purpose
In the dream yes
Do you know why
I wanted to see what it would feel like and I wanted to see if I could even do it cos it’s a thing that I think is harder than it looks
So you crashed your car on purpose and then you died and someone was in the backseat but you don’t know who
Yeah that’s the gist of it
How do you feel about the dream
It’s fine
It doesn’t upset you
Nah
Why is that better than the ladder one
Because the ladder one I never stop falling, I have a heart attack while I’m falling and it’s just terror, it’s just falling forever whereas the car one I just die when the car flips
Did you cry this morning
Oh absolutely
Did you eat breakfast?
Eventually
How can you cheer yourself up
I bought a sweater with a teddy bear on it
You have a lot of sweaters
Soon I will have one more
Can you find a different way to cheer yourself up?
It seems I cannot
I suppose it was worse when you were drinking
Yup
What will it take for you to appreciate life
You got me
You could go for a walk it’s a nice day it’s a nice sunny day
I’m scared of that
Of a walk?
Scared shitless actually
Hm
So I guess there’s a thing I’m afraid of
Which is where we started
Yes
What if you went to the village hall and paid the water bill
I could do that
It’s already a couple weeks late
Yeah but it’s not like they’re gonna turn off the water
Right but that’s a tangible reason and benefit
Yeah or I could also just do it tomorrow
I’m only trying to help
I think today I’m just gonna wish I was dead and then tomorrow I’ll … get off the couch haha
Okay
Plus there’s weird stuff happening across the street and I can watch that
Those workers
Yeah those workers, they’re so weird
Do we need to worry about you?
Nah, I’m fine
You’ve been in this rut for a while now
I have been in this rut for basically my whole entire life haha
Where you don’t care either way
Basically
But …
But what
The way you said ‘Basically” made it seem like there was a but there
I don’t think so?
Well
Listen the thing is I can stay here on the couch and that’s just how it’s gonna be and then I’ll feel better eventually, and I’ll be able to … get off the couch and go do shit and be happy and recognize happiness in others and appreciate that but that part won’t last, that part is like one day a month, basically, and then I’ll go back to … this, I’ll go back to being … this way, and it’ll be worse, it’s always worse after the good day
Are you all right?
I dunno, can’t tell. There’s nothing in particular that’s wrong, so
We can just sit here
The workers are going on lunch soon
I would like to just sit here
I’m not leaving this couch til everyone gets home
So you have a couple more hours
Couple more hours of peace and quiet
Well, quiet at least
Haha yeah, you couldn’t call it ‘peace,’ now could you
I don’t think so
Haha me neither
It’ll get better
Yeah I know
It will
I know
But you do have to pay the water bill
Maybe I’ll hand it to the mailman
Mailwoman
Is it?
She started last week
Huh
But you should still walk it over. It’s only a block away
We’ll see
Why am I not convinced
Cos you know me
Hm
I’ll get off the couch tomorrow, that’s all I can promise, but you know what?
What
Think how shitty today would be if I drank last night
Hoo boy
Hoo boy is right
All that bourbon just sitting there waiting to be drunk
It was a lotta bourbon
You were at the rep’s house, right?
Yeah so it was wall to wall booze
People can live that way
Yes, but I am not one of them, and that’s … that’s just … how things are. So at least I can say it could be worse, and if I was hungover too? On top of this?
Hoo boy
Yep
Man oh man
I’d be cataloguing everything, revisiting the crap from way back when, blaming the assholes for all the crap that may or may not have fucked me up in the first place, and I would … you know what I would do?
What
I would do that thing where I scrunch my eyes as shut as I can get ‘em, and hold it that way, until those sparkly dots start dancing around and I would say, “Dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead” and then I would open my eyes and I would still be here and it would be kinda a surprise
Someday it won't be worse after the good day.