“Hey”
Hey
“What’s up”
Nothing
“What’re you doing”
Nothing
“Come on over”
No
“Why not”
Don’t want to
“Come on over, we’re gonna play Drawful”
Don’t want to
“Come on”
No
“Why not”
I told you
“You haven’t been out in a while, we haven’t seen you since October”
That’s fine
“Bring the fam”
Don’t want to
“You gonna just sit at home?”
Yup
“You still sober”
So far anyway
“That’s good”
Eat me
“We’re gonna have plenty of booze-free stuff”
That’s boring
“We won’t let you drink”
It’s not that
“She’s real sorry bout before”
It’s really not that
“Okay, cos she feels like shit”
I know, and it’s fine, tell her it’s fine
“You wanna talk to her”
Hell no haha
“Okay”
Are you cooking?
“Yeah”
What’re you doing
“Sausage rolls and bubble and squeak and little steak and ale pies”
Oh my god I hate you so much
“Come on over”
I don’t want to
“Then you don’t get pub food”
You’re such a dick
“Listen everyone wants you guys to come over and I’ll call (spouse) if I have to”
She left her phone at home so
“She has her work phone on her”
Goddamnit
“(Friend since college’s spouse) just talked to her this morning”
Goddamnit
“You can’t get out of this”
I really don’t wanna go, really don’t wanna face people
“You always say that”
Cos it’s always true
“Just come on over, we can sit in the kitchen and make the food and then we’ll play Drawful and then that’s it, okay, and we’re doing like just good booze-free cocktails to go along with it cos (recently out of rehab person) is gonna be there too”
Is she?
“And she’s even more scared than you are”
But she’s social
“Not since rehab haha”
Haha yeah no I bet
“So you have no excuse. If she can do it …”
Okay, so here’s the thing, (friend since college), I can’t leave the house lately, past like month or so
“You leave it every day”
Only for work
“So”
And that’s like three times a week, and I’m back by lunch
“Dude just get in the car”
I can’t
“Why not”
I dunno
“I drive to Indiana every day”
That’s you, you’re strong and stupid
“And you’re weak and stupid, just get in the car, it’s a five minute drive”
I just can’t, and I don’t, uh … I don’t, uh … I dunno
It’s pretty fucking weird, and I don’t, uh …
I don’t know what to make of it
“What do you do about groceries”
They get delivered
“Can you just drop ‘em off”
Who
“(Spouse) and (kid)”
No
“Why not”
Because then you’ll run out and drag me in
“I promise that I won’t”
And what, come back home, go back, pick ‘em up later?
“You’re stuck at home but they don’t have to be”
She can drive if she wants to go so bad
“That’s actually true”
A-HA
“We’ll talk about music”
Who
“You and me”
When
“In the kitchen making the food, we’ll talk about the Smiths and the The, and Stone Roses and all that good shit, I’ll even let you tell me Echo and Bunnymen were good, and I won’t be alone with a buncha dumbass day traders and it’ll be fun and we’ll laugh and we’ll giggle and you won’t be lame for once”
Who’s a day trader
“They all are”
I’m not fucking leaving my house to watch some fucking day traders get loaded
“You can’t strand me like this”
What’re they, gonna sit around and drink Fireball
“Skrewball”
That’s at least a little bit better
“It’s peanut butter whiskey, dude, there’s gonna be six guys drinking peanut butter whiskey”
I mean, you’re on your own with that, man
“You can’t do me like this”
I’m doing you like that all right
“You’re killing me, Smalls”
Stop saying that
“Sorry sorry”
It upsets me haha
“She said that to you, didn’t she, haha”
Oh my god
“Haha haha”
Why did I tell you that …
“You couldn’t get it up, you gotta tell me stuff like that, like when you can’t get it up”
I will never again
“Lookit, if you’re so drunk you can’t get it up and she says you’re killing me, Smalls, you gotta tell me stuff like that, you gotta tell me when that happens”
I will never again
“That made my like month”
I hate you, you suck
“Listen. “Smalls””
Still hate you
“Do not make me pretend day traders are worth talking to, and do not make me pretend peanut butter whiskey is worth drinking”
What’re you drinking
“Gin, baby”
Goddamnit
“Gonna do some Collinses and some Negronis and I shall get shitfaced”
I hate you I hate you I hate you
“Listen I got some of that Seedlip stuff”
Oh my god that’s the most boring thing you could have said to me actually
“What do you want”
To not leave the house
“You just wanna stay home”
You bet
“That’s lame you’re lame”
I can’t leave, the whole thing makes me nervous I get really tense I grab the wheel real tight
“You taking your meds”
Yeah I mean you know uh-huh
“You need to be on those meds”
What’re you my mom shut up
“You really not gonna come over”
No
“You suck”
You suck
“I’m also gonna do ice cream scoops of mash on top of the little pies”
I swear to god I hate the fact I ever met you
“Little stacks of pies and mash and gravy but you’re too scared to leave the house”
I did not just get swayed by mash
“I think you did”
I did not
“I can hear it in your voice, you want a plate of three little pies with mash and gravy on top”
I hate you I hate you I hate you
“All you hafta to do is drop ‘em off then you can decide”
What if you bring ‘em out
“What, food?”
Yeah like a plate
“I’ll make you a plate”
Okay
“Okay?”
Yeah
“Yeah?”
Yeah
“Fantastic”
Did you go? I hope you went.