Hmm

What should I tell you today? What would you like to hear?

I could tell you how much I miss what and who I once was

I could tell you how much I just wanna get that person back and how that person wouldn’t recognize this one

I could tell you that because … I mean … 

Remember me from way back when? I was pretty great, way back when

I wasn’t shy or ashamed or scared

I was a solid individual all right, boy was I ever

Fifteen twenty years ago? Man. Man oh man.

Haha remember how great I was? 

Classic me 

Classic me moments left and right

Falling down drunk on the way home 

Laughing saying Help me up haha Help me up haha Help me up

All those times I did that, all those times that happened

Classic

Such a fun boisterous drunk I was

And then … who knows

I became a different type, a different sort and maybe it was the booze or maybe it was the quote unquote trauma or maybe all that happened is I became my true self and if my true self is a decided step down (or back), then so be it

But I dunno if you wanna hear about all that, so maybe I’ll just tell you I know I can be better

Because at least I still remember and so can work to get back there

To that memory or remembrance

Nah, you don’t wanna hear about that either

Which is fine, who could blame you, I probably wouldn’t wanna hear about it neither

Hmm

What about this? Let’s try this on for size - 

Why don’t I tell you about my friend who was not me, is not me, never will be me

He is my friend and he is not me

He’s handy, he can do shit around the house, he’s got like a really good garage fulla tools and he knows how to use ‘em, he’s fixing up a car and a boat at the exact same time, and he can fry the shit outta some chicken

No joke, if you ever meet him - how would you, but if you ever do - and he says, hey come on over and I’ll fry some chicken, just go. Don’t ask questions and if you have plans, cancel ‘em

Get over there for some of that guy’s fried chicken

And have him make you a cocktail when you’re there - should the occasion find you of a boozy persuasion - because he is so talented with just simple unfussy drinks

Nothing stupid nothing complicated 

And he can talk to you while he makes it which is something I never quite got the hang of

Never quite got the hang of multi-tasking haha

All of which is to say:

He is better than me, and not by much but by a country mile

I love him but I also kinda hate him

Cos of the whole he’s better than me thing

And he came over the other night and we sat out back, and he had some beers and a cocktail or two and I had some Topo Chico and we shot whatever shit there was to shoot

And I told him I was jealous of him and you know what he said? You know what he said when I said I was jealous of him?

You should be

That’s what he said

He said You should be

And the fucker had that grin he has

And he knew

He knew what he was saying and why, and he knew why I was jealous - he can stop after three or four and I most assuredly can the fuck not - and there was something so amazing about just that moment, that instant where he was grinning that grin he grins 

That certainty that just absolute self-acceptance and certainty

And I felt this shame (been feeling shame a lot lately) and I needed to combat it somehow hold it at arm’s length somehow

I wanted to cry and die and love and hate and live and drink and smoke and do ALL THE THINGS

I felt it building, the urge, the need

I wanted to do all the things 

Buy things use things discard things eat things drink things swallow things love things hold things cling to things stalk things never let things go abuse things be abused by things

Feel pain hurt myself feel that good pain that amazing pain the pain you only get when you’re for real alive

And then once I did ALL THE THINGS, I would do them again

And again and again and again until I’d exhausted myself

Anything and everything to take my mind off the shame

He was just kinda looking at me and I hoped my face wasn’t too crazy

And then he did the eyebrow wiggle he does and he took a loooooooooong swig of beer as he wandered over to the cooler to see what the cocktail options were

I sat there in my shame and wallowed in it

(Shame is good shame is good shame is good)

(Shame is my balance)

(Shame is my normal)

He found some good cocktail bits and bobs and talked to me while he made himself a delicious looking drink

Like a tempting drink

That drink was temptation itself

It was gin with the bits and bobs (I wanted those bits and bobs, and also the gin but I found the strength)

He sat back down and I said, I appreciate you, you little fucker

And we sat there and shot the remaining shit which wasn’t much by that point

Round eleven fifteen he went home and round eleven sixteen I went to bed 

This morning I rose to find this text

It’s his text

And this is what I should tell you

Here it is 

“Hey man I’m not THAT much better than you”