I am drinking now and it is lovely
It is June 8th in the Year of Our Lord 2021
We are on vacation in southern Indiana, a small town that apparently is some kinda artists colony also but we only chose it because it’s close and cheap
They are asleep, taking their naps, so I have some time to myself
I am occupying this time with drink
Local gin, local IPA, local APA
And some mixers
Drinking is good; I’m glad I’m drinking
I’m already on my fourth and will have as many more as I can
The goal is seven or eight or nine because it’s important to have goals
And there’s this anxiety in my chest, the tightness, this fear that I won’t be able to have my fill, I’ll be left wanting, booze-wise, and if you’re unfamiliar with that anxiety, consider yourself lucky
You gotta get ‘em in, you gotta drink while you can, and it’s sometimes a race to get your fill
I’m trying not to get ahead of myself, trying to just … relax and enjoy this very nice gin and tonic
Which was preceded by a lovely IPA and an only so-so APA
So what we’ll do is get tanked on the gin and IPA then move to the APA so our opinion of the APA will be enhanced
Perhaps it will go from only so-so to not-too-shabby
I’ll take not-too-shabby any day of the week haha
But I’m getting ahead of myself again
Yeah, nap time drinking is always nice because no one’s keeping count, no one sees you walking into the kitchen every fifteen minutes, no one hears the bottles or cans cracking open or the ice clinking into the glass
It’s nice
Being able to just fucking drink
So nice
When they wake up - hopefully not for a while - I will stop, but until then?
Full speed ahead, damn the torpedoes, here’s mud in your eye, etc
To your very good health, past the lips over the gums, bottoms up, etc
Because drinking is good and there’s no downside to drinking
I don’t have to drive, we are in for the day
Here in this rented house, a quick little vacation
We got in a bit ago, and while they unpacked, I scooted up to the liquor store and … stocked up
We’ll be here for five days and man oh man will there be drinking
I am not angry at myself, I don’t hate myself, I might even like myself
Anger, hate and self-dislike will come later, they always do, but that’s a later problem not a now problem and besides, for now I’m fine, I really am
Just fine
I’m a good person, there’s nothing about me, and my current context, that needs changing
I’m fine
I tried to tie my shoes earlier and it was difficult, but that’s age, that’s me getting old, it’s not me being so out of shape from drinking
My inability to tie my shoes has fuck-all to do with how much I’ve been drinking lately
And if my drinking’s been getting weird lately, that’s temporary
It’s a thing we gotta ride it out, we gotta let it happen, we gotta trust that it will fix itself in its own sweet time, of its own volition
It’s not an issue to address, not a problem to correct
It’s just drinking
Which is what I’m doing now and will continue to do until they wake up
And when they wake up, I’ll have a coffee - she likes coffee after her nap, so it’s two birds one stone - and then we’ll talk about where to have dinner
I did my research before we got here and there’s a pizza-slash-brewery up the hill and a distillery-slash-tacos down the hill
Either of those will be fine
Beer up the hill, gin down
Fine, fine, fine
And if neither of those appeal to them, I’ll put my foot down or tell ‘em come up with something better
(If they come up with something better, I’ll have to super-quick check to see if it serves alcohol and if it doesn’t, will have to lightning-quick think up a reason to shoot it down … I’ll need to think on my feet and that’s not easy when you’re half in the bag)
So …
(I might be more than half, might be two-thirds in the bag by that point, maybe even three-quarters but there’s only a fifty-fifty chance of that, really)
So …
(Another thing about all my drinking lately is I have side-thoughts like these, and I find my brain too easily distracted, and I also can’t remember what the actual point is, but again, we can ride it out …)
So … tonight’s dinner is almost definitely sorted (I can promote pizza and beer like you wouldn’t believe and tacos just kinda promote themselves, really, when you think about it), and the great news about that is both are in walking distance
It’s not a big hill, it’s a small hill, haha
So I don’t need to drive which means more drinking
There’s two bottles of gin and approx 18 beers in the fridge and enough mixers to see me through until at least tomorrow afternoon haha
Haha haha haha
And I had the foresight to bring slippers so I won’t need to worry bout tying my shoes!
Just slip my feet into my slippers which kinda look like shoes and I can go wherever I want without worrying bout anyone asking why I can’t either bend over to my feet or lift my feet closer to my hands
Slippers are my friend haha
Haha haha haha
And this gin is very nice but it’s almost gone so it’s a good thing I grabbed a beer when I freshened the gin
I’m so stupid in all other areas of my life, but I’m really smart when it comes to grabbing a beer to save myself a trip
Haha haha haha
I’m set, I’m good for the next … fifteen minutes, give or take
I can sit here and drink
I can try to not hate myself
I can try to ignore the pain
The crying out that’s somewhere in me
I can tell myself this is a vacation and sober vacations are not vacations at all
Sober vacations are boring
But this is a vacation, it’s a getaway, and I’m getting away all right
Getting away from all of it
I’ll worry bout reality when we get home
Which is five days from now
Maybe I’ll sober up then
Who knows
I used to live with someone who said, “I’m in for the rest of the day. I’m not going out again.” I knew what that meant. And there were no evening activities for a long while.
[sigh]