I love them now but for a while I didn’t
A while when the drinking was at its worst and everything was awful and I loved nothing (except booze, man did I love booze man oh man) but then I loved them and the drinking was still bad and so who knows, really
Who knows
I’m not sure what happened
I was a drunk (still am) so that musta played a part
How big a part is not for me to know or tell
Let’s just go with a significant part
Haha
A not inconsiderable part haha
But the booze couldn’t have been all of it
Something within me something deep down
I wonder about it from time to time when the insomnia hits
The insomnia that sobriety was sposed to rid me of but has instead done fuck-all about
Haha
I still wake up
I still can’t sleep
I still toss and turn to beat the band haha
I still fret and worry and wonder
And tonight/this morning, the wonder is - why didn’t I love them
It never got to hate (thank fuck) and was only rarely dislike
Too often there was resentment and impatience
But most of the time, I think it was probably just … ambivalence
Looking at ‘em and just feeling … nothing either way
Feeling estranged from them even though they were right there
All the fun stuff I shoulda been enjoying
Zoos, parks, beaches, cabins, Six Flags
Nothing
I was there but no I was not
He was too young to get it (I hope) but she knew
She’d ask me but then she stopped after a while
Probably got tired of me just answering with a shrug of my shoulders
And we coexisted
They enjoyed each other’s company and I was off to one side
Waiting for lunch when I could start drinking
Have a few at lunch, retreat a bit more, withdraw a bit more
Then dinner, some more at dinner, then night, more at night
Why couldn’t I connect with them
Why couldn’t I just sit there and be with them
Why why why haha
Why why why
This lasted for too long
My best, most honest estimate would be five years
We bought a house, we moved
I got a job, a new job, a good job, you could almost call it a career
Almost but not quite haha
Close but no cigar haha
And still I was …
And still we were …
I dunno
Someone better with words could articulate it
Me, all I can say is, “I dunno”
And then something changed
I couldn’t tell you what, I couldn’t tell you why
But I could tell you when
We went to Starved Rock for a couple days, a long weekend
Starved Rock is trails and waterfalls and there’s a lodge and it’s wonderful, it’s beautiful
We were in the lodge, playing Uno and Sorry in The Great Room (which is just a really big room haha)
And she wanted a wine and I wanted a beer (it had been five minutes since my last one) and he didn’t know what he wanted
So he and I went off to the Back Door Lounge
I got her the wine (yuk) and myself a beer (yum) and a real quick shot of Makers (YUM) and he decided on a local root beer
And we were waiting to settle up and he said “I love it here”
And I said “Me too, buddy”
And I got another shot in real quick (YUM)
And he took ten of his very own dollars out of his pocket and said he would leave the tip
And the bartender winked and smiled at him and he smiled back at her
And he said, “Thank you so much”
He stood a little straighter, puffed out his chest a bit and held his head a bit higher
We got back to her and the board games
She was about to sip her wine (I was at least three gulps into my beer) and he said we should toast
I couldn’t think of anything, she was just smiling and waiting, and so he said
“To a really great weekend. I love these little adventures”
And to the extent a turning point can be identified, that was probably it
I still got really fucking drunk (The Back Door Lounge stays open way past their bedtime)
And I did the next day and the day after that and when we got home too
We went to Kenosha for a bit, that was our next “little adventure”
I drank my way through that
But eventually I sobered up
Eventually I settled down
Eventually I could breathe
I still can’t sleep half the time, which sucks, but if that’s the biggest complaint, I got no complaints haha
Christmas morning, he was trying on a sweater and she was seeing if the slippers fit and I sat there watching ‘em
And the dog came over with her new toy and put her head on my lap
And I didn’t move
I just sat there
And that’s it, that’s all I got
I've thought about this essay often since I first read it. Thank you.
Oh man, that ending is everything. LOVE.