Well, the relapse happened all right, it sure it, boy did it ever
Happened quick too, happened before I knew what hit me
Just went to pick up my kid from a party, a buncha dads were on the front porch (the kids were all around back), one of the dads handed me a shot and that was it
We were off to the races, Katie bar the door, Good night Irene, a good time was had by all
The kid got to stay at the party for another two hours so he wasn’t complaining
There was cold booze and hot booze and beers in a cooler off to the side
Pretty sure I had eight or nine drinks, not including beers, so … we’ll just go with a baker’s dozen
I didn’t have my phone on me so I couldn’t call some of the people who I could call, but let’s be honest, that’s not why I drank
If I had my phone on me, I still woulda drank
It was that old self-destructive streak, plus there’s always that anger just underneath
Always just thisfar away from being angry about this or that, doesn’t really matter what
And I’d forgotten how good it felt to just drink
Just drink …
Just plow through a bunch
The way home, the kid said he was thirsty and that’s all I needed to hear
We stopped at the mini-mart. He got a Jarritos, I got a bottle of gin (Brokers, always good in a pinch), and some tonics and lemons cos they had no limes
He wanted some chili cheese Fritos and why the fuck not
Chili cheese Fritos, some frozen tots and microwave hamburgers
We got home, made us a big pile of snacks, and while it was all in the oven and/or microwave, we had another one of our Father/Son chats where I hope the drunken wisdom will actually be useful but know it almost definitely won’t
Turned out, he didn’t even like the kid whose party it was. He just went cos it was something to do
Anyway so we talked about stuff, and drank more and ate more and I was a big old mess
It wasn’t even four o’clock haha it was a Sunday afternoon party haha
I don’t remember anything past like six or seven
She came home around eight, or so I’m told
The next morning, my whole body hurt. I’d forgotten about that part, too
I called the few people I shoulda called the night before and told ‘em and there wasn’t much they could say
I cried a lot and it wasn’t even really sadness or anything, it was just to … get something out, I guess
But crying in the shower and in the bed and on the back porch when I was sure none of the neighbors could see or hear
Crying for no particular reason
Kelly the dog was looking at me funny, wondering if she should be worried, haha
She put her head on my lap a few times but not when I was on the porch. It was too cold out haha
And that night I finished the gin and found an excuse to go for a walk (drop off the trash bill) and on the way home I stopped for another bottle but snuck that inside, in one of my coat pockets and I sat in the basement and snuck drinks when no one was looking and blah blah blah blah blah and found some good bitters I’d forgotten about and they made the drinks better and blah blah blah blah blah but at least I didn’t black out, or at least I’m pretty sure I didn’t, but maybe I did and blah blah blah blah blah
And that was my Monday and my Tuesday had less booze but still booze (I finished the gin)
And today is Wednesday
There has been no booze so far
There is no booze in the house
There is no beer in the house (Blue Moon doesn’t count)
There is wine, though
Thankfully, mercifully, I don’t drink wine
Not yet, anyway haha
And there’s this thing I thought this morning as I was waiting for the cobwebs to clear
Mornings are never good for me, because they suck, they’re awful, there’s no need for mornings
But I thought about not saying anything
There’s these meetings I go to, and I could just … keep my mouth shut and no one would be the wiser
I thought about continuing on as if nothing had happened
I might. I might not. I dunno
Maybe I’ll tell ‘em. Maybe I won’t. I dunno
Can’t decide
Might as well since you told us, and we’re pretty much everybody, right? Falling of the wagon happens. But the wagon is still there, waiting on you, knowing you’ll need a ride. I still love you, man.
hugs