Our Father (my Sponsor), who art in Heaven (actually, it’s Thy basement, most of the time)
Hallowed be Thy Name (which is Larry and once one knows Thee for a bit, one can call Thee ‘Fat Lare’)
And to the Republic
For which it stands
(Oh wait, fucked that up, sorry, Thee)
Thy Kingdom come (Man, I’ll tell Thee, if everything was like it was at Thy place? That’d be pretty sweet. Thou has that great foosball table, there’s those dorm fridges with all the pops, that shelving unit in the corner with the big bags of snacks, and there’s that big old TV and those comfy couches. It’d be super great if all of earth was like that, to be honest. People would be a lot happier. Everyone’s happy when they go to Thy basement for Thy sober parties. Then again, there’s always some clown who shows up unaware and then gets pissed when he’s gotta run to the liquor store even though it’s only right over there)
Thy Will be done (I don’t entirely know what this part means but Thou sure does get Thy way an awful lotta the fucking time, like when it’s time to order a pizza and Thou insists on sausage and green olive when pepperoni and muffaletta is superior in every way, so yeah “Thy Will be done” all right)
On earth as it is in Heaven (So if Heaven is Thy basement, then yeah definitely on earth too. Like I said, Thou has a great basement, which sounds like a euphemism, and if it is a euphemism, it would be a lie because Thou has a terrible basement euphemistically. We call Thee ‘Fat Lare’ for a reason (but only once we know Thee for a while))
Give us this day our daily bread (If I remember my Catholicism correctly - which I might not, cos I blocked that shit out as fast as I could - this basically means give us all we really need, and I gotta tell Thee, Thou are very good at that. Credit where it’s due, when I call Thee freaking the fuck out, Thou usually drops whatever Thou is doing, makes time in Thy very busy schedule to calm me down, talk sense, etc)
And forgive us our trespasses (haha, Thou forgave me my trespasses that one time, huh? Does Thee remember that? I fucking showed up at Thy house several sheets to the wind? Haha, and Thine In-laws were there, for a fancy fucking dinner, and then drunk me barged in? Haha, and sat right down at the table, and … fell apart in front of everyone? Haha thanks for forgiving me there, and … uh … yeah, sorry bout that. Thou did warn there would be relapses …)
As we forgive those who trespass against us (There’s some people I should probably forgive - the list is long - and Thou are always good to talk to bout me and me grudge-holding ways, and so, uh … yeah. I’m working on it, but like for real, some of these fucking people need to come to me first, Thou know, show a little fucking contrition on their end. A little fucking contrition on their end would go an awfully long way to me forgiving their trespasses …)
And lead us not into temptation (Do not lead me there, Thee! I got enough going on without temptation being added to the mix, and … Thou know … I’m weak, and it ain’t just gin, bourbon, scotch, rye, lager, ale and/or stout. It’s also donuts, chicken tenders, pizza, chips, bagels and cream cheese, good bread and good salted butter, cookies, cake and sitting around watching television all damn weekend cos I can’t stop crying haha can’t stop traipsing through the Valley of Deep Despond)
But deliver us from evil (Thou know, whatever, I don’t even know what’s evil anymore. Everything’s evil. The whole entire world is evil. How can Thou deliver me from that? Thou can’t. The whole entire world is evil, the past several years, and that’s one of the things that keeps me on the couch, just flipping through the channels, hoping there’s something, anything, to take my mind off it, something, anything to make me just not feel and the shitty part of that is for like years that ‘something, anything’ was booze, and that’s … it just can’t happen, and now there’s all these fucking feelings happening all the time)
Amen (Here’s to Thee, Fat Lare. I called Thee last night and clearly I woke Thee up and Thou listened and Thou cared and Thou continues to save me. Thank Thee, Fat Lare, who made me know Thee for about six months before I heard someone else call Thee “Fat Lare” and I asked if I could call Thee that and Thou said What the fuck do I care, call me what you want)
miss you, squirrel, hope you're well
Oh, donuts, dammit. Now I have to go for a second walk this morning to keep from heading straight to Winchell's. Not exactly the same as your journey but close. Good on Larry.