Do me a favor
“Sure thing”
Take me out back and shoot me
“I can do that”
Thanks
“I’ll have to go get my gun haha”
Thanks yeah
“What’s going on”
Nothing
“Well”
I just don’t wanna be alive anymore haha
“You and me both”
Everything just sucks and hurts and please just put an end to it
“Are you hungover”
Today?
“You seem hungover”
No I’m not hungover today
“Were you recently?”
Pretty sure not
“Were you drinking”
When
“Last night”
I haven’t drank in a bit
“So you’re mostly of sound mind”
What’s left of my mind is sound I guess
“A lot has turned to mush”
So much mush
“Let’s go outside and take a walk”
No
“Let’s go sit in the backyard”
No
“It’s a nice morning”
I want to die
“After we sit with coffee and watch the sun come up, if you still want to die, I will kill you”
It’s both our dreams come true
“What specifically brought this on”
I woke up sad and then just kept getting sadder
“The floor dropped on you”
Yeah the floor dropped on me and kept dropping it’s still dropping
“What’s it feel like”
Weird
“I’m sorry”
It’s okay
“When the floor drops for me I just cry and cry and cry”
I would cry but it makes my face hurt
“We should do something fun today”
No
“What about something not fun but productive”
No
“You miss drinking don’t you”
All the fucking time
“Then”
I dunno what it is
“I saw you looking at the gin yesterday”
I liked the label
“Your son is a happy boy”
Yeah he is
“Your son is a happy boy and he runs around being happy and it’s okay, it’s good, these are good things”
I want to die still
“I know”
Sometimes I feel like I gotta always be hiding things from him like the real me but
“I know”
You know what would be fun though
“What”
A nice long vacation and then I die there and it would be great because it would make the news, it’d be one of those “Man dies on vacation” stories
“I always click on those”
Yeah me too
“I saw one a couple weeks ago it was someone on like Cape Cod or Martha’s Vineyard, walked out into the water and just kept walking”
Sounds perfect
“His wife and kids were on land just kinda watching cos they thought it was a joke”
Well that’s fucked up
“They watched and it slowly dawned on them”
That’s very fucked up
“At least you’re not hungover”
If I was hungover we would be at McDonald’s right now
“I’m glad you’re not drinking”
You know what I would do?
“Jump into the Grand Canyon”
No but that’s a good idea
“It would take a LONG time to fall”
Haha talk about the floor dropping haha
“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH”
Haha yeah the whole way down
“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH”
I would go to Door County and I would walk around in that forest there and I would go to that weird little cemetery that’s in there and I would sit in front of the weirdest looking tombstone I could find and I would sit there and never come out
“That’s weird”
We’re still working out some of the kinks
“Like it would take days and someone would see you?”
Well I’m mostly worried bout the mosquito bites
“I would think your fear of raccoons would also come into play”
Shit there’s probably raccoons
“Why don’t you just drown”
Cos drowning sounds awful
“So does sitting in a cemetery”
Sitting in a cemetery, mosquito bites and raccoons aside, would be very tranquil and I would actually have thoughts and maybe I’d have an insight or two, at the end. Whereas drowning, it’s just like ‘Oh fuck’
“Plus the sharks”
I wouldn’t drown where there was sharks
“You never know where a shark’s gonna be”
I’d drown in Lake Michigan
“Yeah there’s no sharks there”
There are fish that bite though
“You’d be fish food”
That’s not terrible
“Are you feeling better yet?”
Why
“Cos you were smiling just there”
It was one of those hurting smiles like when you smile through the pain
“It didn’t look comfortable”
Plus I think the thing of the cemetery would be you’re joining the dead people
“You’re so weird”
You’re joining the dead people and so you’re part of something bigger than you and then also it’s like … I dunno what it’s like but it’s like something, maybe it’s like a tradition is the word I’m looking for
“You’re an absolute nut”
But before I go to the cemetery there?
“Yeah?”
I’m spending like hundreds of dollars at the Bayside
“I love that place”
I will spend so much money at the Bayside, investigators will think it’s some kinda clue or something
“There’s not gonna be any investigators”
Oh I think you’re wrong there
“What’s there to investigate, some idiot sat in a cemetery til the raccoons found him”
They always investigate
“No they don’t”
They don’t?
“You think every death gets investigated?”
Well there’s forms to fill out and shit
“That’s just forms”
You don’t think if they see a big huge bill from Bayside, that won’t raise an eyebrow or two?
“I don’t think they will ever see a bill”
Damn
“Unless you have it on your person, like if it’s in a pocket”
That’s what I’ll do
“Okay then they might wonder”
Good
“Or they also might go ‘Hey Bayside sounds good,’ and then they go to the Bayside”
That’s good too
“Shit now I want Bayside”
I know
“Pitcher of beer, pizza …”
I’ll be holding the bill in my hands so as to make sure they don’t miss it
“Is it too early for beer and pizza”
What time’s it
“Almost seven thirty”
Yeah that’s too early
“What time we gotta wait til”
For beer and pizza
“Yeah”
…
What kinda beer
“Just lager”
…
What’s on the pizza
“I want sausage and onion”
…
Thin crust
“That’s what Bayside does”
…
So thin crust sausage and onion and a pitcher of lager
“Cold lager”
Well yeah
“What time we gotta wait until for that”
…
…
…
Nine
Hope you're not sitting on a grave somewhere waiting for the raccoons. I'd miss you and your writing.
Great writing. The mosquito bites is a gem.